I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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