today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
