This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize