he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
