It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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