I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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