and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
