Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
