You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
wow bdsm is so cute
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
