its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Randomize
