I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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