I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Randomize
