What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
if only i could text you this smell
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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