have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
