so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
