did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
