When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
