i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
