So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You are a genius and a whore.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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