Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
