I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
i now understand why vodka
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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