Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize