bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
