She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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