haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
