my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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