They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
