sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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