Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
