I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
