Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
