Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
