I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
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