Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize