Apparently you make a good broom.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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