high people should be assigned attendants
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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