Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
