I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
