Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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