i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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