no, he came in my armpit
time to smoke my breakfast
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
