the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
