You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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