Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
