I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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