So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
