I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
