Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
