Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize