I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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