I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Randomize
