i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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