Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
