She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
be right there i have to get my cape
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
