I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
