no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
