Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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