my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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