the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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